Mind the Gap.

I use the tube every day. Those of you who live in London, or those of you who have visited...have you ever noticed "The Tube Way"?

def: "A distinct set of actions that nearly everyone who gets on a London tube carries out"...no? Well let me break it down.

The Arrival.
Here is where you can tell the Londoners from the tourists...most Londoners do the same journey again and again. We always walk on the left hand side of the escalator (we're very important and always in a rush) and we know where to stand for a) the best chances of getting a seat and b) the quickest exit when we get to our destination. Like an army operation, it's all about the planning.

Next train 1 minute.
We've all done it, seen a train turn up, got caught up in the moment and ran as the doors shut. Everyone inside the carriage sees you as you hurtle into the door, you spin, and just walk on up the platform trying to look cool, "I wasn't trying to get on that train anyway, I'm cool, I'm just chilling". Your disappointed face is saying something quite different. Tube trains tend to come every 2 or 3 minutes, therefore when in doubt don't RUN

Stand clear of the closing doors.
Similar to the above, someone always runs and someone always get's their bag/ hair/ coat/ head stuck in the door. When travelling with someone the individual will break down into fits of laughter much to the disgust of everyone waiting for the tube to move away. If alone the stuck individual will always panic, then smile and avoid eye contact for their whole journey. Everyone else will stare at this person thinking "flid".

The Carriage View.
Your first chance to take in your surroundings. Who's in there? Anyone you want to avoid? No? The coast is clear, next check...any seats? You find yourself looking longingly up and down the carriage for a seat despite having seen that people are standing up, squeezed in and therefore there really aren't any...each station you do a 360 check, like a hawk, is the old lady smelling of cats getting up? Oh Yes she is...strike.

Seat Smug.
Watch out for them, there's one seat, two people who clearly want it. They dash down the carriage, stepping on people, jumping over bags, swinging on the bars, there can only be one winner...the victorious ALWAYS gives a smug look, ALWAYS. What they really want to say is "I got the seat, you didn't...HA IN YOUR FACE!" but that would involve speaking to someone on the tube, which you just don't do.

Hold-on.
There's always a group of normally Spanish young tourists, who are shocked when the tube pulls away. "What? This thing moves?" They all go crashing down the aisle. Look out for the regular tube users who tut and shake their heads in disapprovement, inside we're actually finding it very funny.

Checking out the talent.
You're sat down or standing on the tube...within the first 2 minutes, you have already done a scan of the carriage, you have identified the hottest person, you have identified the mental person that you do not want to be anywhere near - fact.

Delays.
Watch people's expressions when a delay is announced. I guarantee the following will happen. People will tut and roll their eyes followed by a time check. Watch or phone, we are not amused and we clearly have somewhere VERY important to be, this two minute delay is a real inconvenience. Watch out for the people who have flights to get, they'll be the ones hyperventilating.

It's good to talk.
Communication with people you don't know on the tube is forbidden. The only time strangers talk is if a) they are drunk or b) they have stopped underground for a prolonged period. After 4 minutes people will start to look at each other as if to say "What an 'effin surprise!", after 7 minutes an old dude has normally muttered a moan and after 20 minutes the air is running out and people are telling their life stories. I keep my headphones in and ignore all of the above.